# Coostucky Chronicle > Oregon satire. Small-town nonsense. A Coostucky state of mind. ## Posts - [COQUILLE SOBERING CENTER EXPECTED TO BECOME ALL-INCLUSIVE RESORT BY 2028](https://coostucky.com/coquille-sobering-center-expected-to-become-all-inclusive-resort-by-2028/): COQUILLE, OR – The new Coquille Sobering Center has barely opened, and officials are already looking ahead to what could become the county’s first all-inclusive resort for people who can’t remember how they got there. The original plan was simple. Bring drunk people in, sober them up, and send them home. Unfortunately, this is Coos […] - [Coostucky Chronicle Apparently Operated by Group of Unsupervised Idiots](https://coostucky.com/coostucky-chronicle-apparently-operated-by-group-of-unsupervised-idiots/): An investigation into the Coostucky Chronicle has uncovered what appears to be a loosely organized collection of smartasses operating an alleged news publication somewhere in Southwest Oregon. Nobody knows who these people are, where they work, or why someone hasn’t taken their computers away. With nearly 15,000 followers and close to 500 articles, the Chronicle […] - [Kotek Says Oregon Is Doing Great, Residents Just Too Broke to Notice](https://coostucky.com/kotek-says-oregon-is-doing-great-residents-just-too-broke-to-notice/): SALEM, OR – Governor Tina Kotek has finally figured out what’s wrong with Oregon. Apparently, it’s the people living here. In a recent interview with OPB, Kotek admitted she’s done a “subpar job” explaining her administration’s accomplishments. Well, that explains everything. For years, Oregonians have been complaining about housing costs, homelessness, lousy schools, and an […] - [Coos County Courthouse Security Apparently Ends at the Front Door](https://coostucky.com/coos-county-courthouse-security-apparently-ends-at-the-front-door/): COQUILLE, OR – Security at the Coos County Courthouse is apparently running like a 1978 lawnmower with three missing wheels and nobody can find the pull cord. A local woman recently reported encountering a nearly naked gentleman wearing what appeared to be a crocheted afghan outside the courthouse. Another fellow was stretched out nearby, apparently […] - [RETIRED LUNCH LADY TAKES MYRTLE POINT POTATO TRADITION A TAD TOO FAR](https://coostucky.com/retired-lunch-lady-takes-myrtle-point-potato-tradition-a-tad-too-far/): MYRTLE POINT, OR – Inspired by Myrtle Point’s famous Potato House, retired school lunch lady Darlene Pritchard has decided to get in on the Halloween action. Except Darlene isn’t handing out raw potatoes. She’s cooking the damn things. After 34 years of feeding schoolchildren food that technically qualified as edible, Darlene has dusted off her […] - [LOCAL MAN SOAKED TO THE BALLS INSISTS IT'S NOT RAINING THAT HARD](https://coostucky.com/local-man-soaked-to-the-balls-insists-its-not-raining-that-hard/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Rain has returned to the Oregon Coast, and local residents are once again proving they’d rather develop pneumonia than be caught walking around holding a little tent on a stick. Umbrellas are practically nonexistent around here. Locals prefer to get absolutely piss-soaked and then complain about being wet for the next […] - [Burn Ban Lifted, Coos County's Annual Garbage Burning Season Officially Underway](https://coostucky.com/burn-ban-lifted-coos-countys-annual-garbage-burning-season-officially-underway/): COOS COUNTY, OR – The burn ban has officially been lifted, and across Coos County, residents are celebrating by setting fire to six months of accumulated household garbage. Apparently, being allowed to burn yard debris also means it’s time to clean out the garage, empty the kitchen garbage, and get rid of anything too big […] - [BIG JIM'S WEEKLY HUNTING REPORT: BLACKTAILS, BEARS & OTHER CRITTERS](https://coostucky.com/big-jims-weekly-hunting-report-blacktails-bears-other-critters/): By Big Jim Dauterive | OREGON Well, folks, Big Jim here. Been spending some time up in the woods around Coos and Douglas counties, checking tracks, watching game trails, and keeping an eye on things. Saw a couple fellas scouting the other day who couldn’t tell a deer trail from a drainage ditch. Anyway, here’s […] - [Local Woman Claims Farmers Market Is Violating Her Constitutional Right to Sell Cookies](https://coostucky.com/local-woman-claims-farmers-market-is-violating-her-constitutional-right-to-sell-cookies/): COOS COUNTY, OR — A 78-year-old local woman is absolutely livid after being told she couldn’t sell her homemade baked goods at the farmers market because her kitchen didn’t meet food safety requirements. “THIS IS COMMUNISM!” screamed the elderly woman, standing in a kitchen that smelled like vanilla extract, cat piss, and something dead behind […] - [COOSTUCKY WEATHER: Foghorn Fred Issues Emergency Weekly Forecast, Warns Rain Could Last Several Days](https://coostucky.com/coostucky-weather-foghorn-fred-issues-emergency-weekly-forecast-warns-rain-could-last-several-days/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Foghorn Fred has issued an emergency weather bulletin after discovering that water is once again falling out of the sky across southwestern Oregon. “We’re looking at a complete reversal of Saturday’s frost situation. Yesterday things were freezing. Now they’re soaking wet. Something’s going on, folks.” Fred spent Sunday monitoring six other […] - [ICE Shows Up in Coos Bay, Facebook Immediately Opens 47 Law Firms](https://coostucky.com/ice-shows-up-in-coos-bay-facebook-immediately-opens-47-law-firms/): COOS BAY, OR — Reports of ICE activity started circulating Friday afternoon, and it didn’t take long for Facebook to become the largest gathering of self-appointed immigration attorneys on the Oregon Coast. Nobody seemed to know exactly who was detained or why, but that didn’t stop the experts from pouring in like somebody announced free […] - [COOSTUCKY WEATHER: Foghorn Fred Declares Frost Emergency, Warns Residents to Brace for Impact](https://coostucky.com/coostucky-weather-foghorn-fred-declares-frost-emergency-warns-residents-to-brace-for-impact/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Foghorn Fred of Coostucky Weather has declared a full-blown weather emergency as a dangerous mass of cold air threatens to bring the Coquille Valley dangerously close to freezing overnight. A Frost Advisory is in effect from 2 to 10 Saturday morning, with temperatures potentially reaching 32 degrees in colder areas. “We’re […] - [UPS Trucks Go Into Hiding as ICE Arrives in Coos Bay](https://coostucky.com/ups-trucks-go-into-hiding-as-ice-arrives-in-coos-bay/): COOS BAY, OR — Reports of ICE activity in Coos Bay Friday have the local UPS fleet scared shitless, and frankly, who can blame them? They’re big, they’re brown, and with all the talk about immigration raids, nobody’s entirely sure where ICE draws the line. One UPS driver reportedly abandoned his route after spotting an […] - [Eugene Officials Urged to Test Water, Meth Supply and Anything Glowing in the Sewers](https://coostucky.com/eugene-officials-urged-to-test-water-meth-supply-and-anything-glowing-in-the-sewers/): EUGENE, OR – What the hell is going on up there? Did somebody get a bad shipment of meth, or has Eugene been drinking straight out of the industrial waste barrel? It’s been one hell of a week. Sunday, a man allegedly moved into somebody else’s house, decided it was his, and stabbed a police […] - [DaBella's Traveling Snake Oil Show Runs Into the North Bend Police](https://coostucky.com/dabellas-traveling-snake-oil-show-runs-into-the-north-bend-police/): NORTH BEND, OR – Back in the 1800s, traveling snake oil salesmen rolled into town promising to cure baldness, hemorrhoids, and limp peckers with a bottle of whiskey, horse piss, and enough bullshit to fertilize forty acres. Apparently, DaBella has brought back the profession. They just traded the covered wagon for a company truck and […] - [COOSTUCKY WEATHER: Foghorn Fred Says Weekend Looking Good, Takes Credit](https://coostucky.com/coostucky-weather-foghorn-fred-says-weekend-looking-good-takes-credit/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Foghorn Fred of Coostucky Weather has finished studying the latest weather models, and according to Fred, the National Weather Service is finally catching up with him. Saturday should be partly sunny with highs around 62. Sunday looks similar, around 61, with rain moving in Sunday night. Fred says he’s been watching […] - [Oregon Woman Calls Cops to Complain About Bar, Accidentally Orders Herself a DUII](https://coostucky.com/oregon-woman-calls-cops-to-complain-about-bar-accidentally-orders-herself-a-duii/): EUGENE, OR – A 21-year-old Keizer woman apparently misunderstood the police motto “To Serve and Protect,” believing officers were supposed to serve her another drink and protect her right to be a drunken asshole. According to Eugene Police, the woman was kicked out of a local bar after allegedly trying to start fights, becoming aggressive, […] - [Rogue Weather Forecast Calls for Scattered Sponsors and a Chance of FTC Trouble](https://coostucky.com/rogue-weather-forecast-calls-for-scattered-sponsors-and-a-chance-of-ftc-trouble/): SOUTHERN OREGON – Somebody recently questioned Rogue Weather’s advertising practices, so the Coostucky Chronicle took a look at the rules. For a weather page, there’s an awful lot of shit being promoted besides the weather. Tires, firearms-related businesses, and random companies popping up between forecasts. One minute you’re checking for rain, the next you’re shopping […] - [Uncle Gabe Running for Four More Years of Being Proud of Everybody](https://coostucky.com/uncle-gabe-running-for-four-more-years-of-being-proud-of-everybody/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Sheriff Gabe Fabrizio’s reelection campaign is underway, and apparently somebody told him the best way to win votes is to act like everybody’s favorite uncle. Uncle Gabe is proud of his deputies. Proud of the community. Thankful for everybody. He’s listening, he’s learning, and by God, he’s proud of you too. […] - [KOTEK ANNOUNCES HALLOWEEN CANDY TAX AFTER DISCOVERING KIDS ARE GETTING FREE SHIT](https://coostucky.com/kotek-announces-halloween-candy-tax-after-discovering-kids-are-getting-free-shit/): SALEM, OR — Governor Tina Kotek has reportedly discovered Oregon children are wandering neighborhoods collecting free candy without paying a goddamn dime in taxes. Naturally, Salem couldn’t let that shit continue. Under the fictional Halloween Revenue Act, children must surrender 40% of their candy to the state. Another 10% if they’re caught smiling. Fun-size Snickers […] - [SKEETER JOHNSON FOR PRESIDENT! A WORKING MAN FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORK](https://coostucky.com/skeeter-johnson-for-president-a-working-man-for-people-who-dont-work/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Brothers, sisters, and whoever’s been living behind the Dollar General, it’s time for change! Skeeter “Three Tooth” Johnson is running for president of Tweakers Local 541, and unlike his opponents, Skeeter hasn’t worked an honest day in 23 years. That’s experience you can trust! Skeeter knows the struggles of the average […] - [SOUTHWEST OREGON COUPLE STUNS SHARK TANK WITH REVOLUTIONARY HEALTH PRODUCT](https://coostucky.com/southwest-oregon-couple-stuns-shark-tank-with-revolutionary-health-product/): LOS ANGELES, CA – Two scruffy-looking Southwest Oregon entrepreneurs reportedly appeared on Shark Tank pitching a revolutionary energy and weight-loss supplement. When the couple said they were from Oregon, everyone assumed they were hippies. The greasy hair, filthy clothes, and missing teeth were apparently part of the organic lifestyle. Nobody questioned why neither had blinked […] - [COOS BAY TO STRAP SPACEX ROCKETS TO FREIGHT TRAINS, SPEND LEFTOVER $205 MILLION ON COOS GOOSE EXPRESS](https://coostucky.com/coos-bay-to-strap-spacex-rockets-to-freight-trains-spend-leftover-205-million-on-coos-goose-express/): COOS BAY, OR — Uncle Sam just awarded nearly $205 million to improve the Coos Bay railroad for a proposed international shipping terminal on the North Spit. But somebody’s come up with a better idea involving Elon Musk, SpaceX rockets, and absolutely no concern for gravity. Why spend millions fixing tracks, bridges, and tunnels when […] - [ROGUE WEATHER EXPERT NOW READING MINDS, BIGFOOT STILL AT LARGE](https://coostucky.com/rogue-weather-expert-now-reading-minds-bigfoot-still-at-large/): OREGON – Greg Roberts of RogueWeather has apparently added political mind reading to his never-ending list of talents. Weather forecasting, firefighting, fishing, wolves, wildlife management, Bigfoot tracking and now politics. Jesus, is there anything this man hasn’t done? He probably delivered himself at birth and corrected the doctor on the way out. His latest adventure […] - [LOCAL DEPUTY BUYS COFFEE, FACEBOOK DECLARES HOSTAGE SITUATION](https://coostucky.com/local-deputy-buys-coffee-facebook-declares-hostage-situation/): OREGON: There was a time when people saw a cop parked outside a business and figured he was either working, eating, or taking a piss. Then they went about their day like normal human beings. Now the poor bastard can’t pull into a coffee shop without 14 Facebook posts reporting a “heavy police presence.” “ANYONE […] - [Local Woman, 43, Looks 80, Still Convinced She's the Life of the Party](https://coostucky.com/local-woman-43-looks-80-still-convinced-shes-the-life-of-the-party/): COOS COUNTY, OR – A local woman caused a scene Saturday night after revealing she was only 43, prompting the bartender to check her ID, hold it up to the light, and ask if she’d been embalmed. The woman, who appears to have been rode hard, put away wet, and forgotten behind a barn for […] - [COOS COUNTY CAN'T CONTROL FERAL DOGS OR FERAL HUMANS](https://coostucky.com/coos-county-cant-control-feral-dogs-or-feral-humans/): COOS BAY, OR – Four black German Shepherds have reportedly been running loose along East Bay Drive for weeks, chasing deer, threatening livestock, and raising hell while whoever owns them apparently has better things to do. Residents have complained repeatedly. Animal Control reportedly doesn’t have enough traps and can’t figure out where to put them. […] - [GEN X RAISED HELL. GEN Z NEEDS A RIDE.](https://coostucky.com/gen-x-raised-hell-gen-z-needs-a-ride/): There was a time when boys grew up riding in the back of pickups, drinking from garden hoses, and getting their first Copenhagen buzz behind the woodshed. By 12, they could drive a stick shift, split firewood, and identify a Chevy by the sound of its exhaust. Now we’ve got 23-year-old men wearing pajama pants […] - [DEPUTY NOBODY WANTS SHERIFF SOMEBODY'S JOB. TAXPAYERS STILL LOOKING FOR ANYBODY.](https://coostucky.com/deputy-nobody-wants-sheriff-somebodys-job-taxpayers-still-looking-for-anybody/): COQUILLE, OR – After more than two decades with the Coos County Sheriff’s Office, corrections deputy M.A. Kinnaird has decided he’s a Nobody. Deputy Nobody, to be exact. Now he wants everybody to elect him sheriff, because apparently the best way to get somebody to listen is to become everybody’s boss. Nobody says the county’s […] - [Roseburg School Bus Apparently Switching to Sardine-Can Transportation](https://coostucky.com/roseburg-school-bus-apparently-switching-to-sardine-can-transportation/): ROSEBURG, OR – Apparently, somebody at Roseburg’s school transportation department confused a school bus with a can of sardines. A photo making the rounds on Facebook reportedly shows kids aboard bus 63 packed tighter than a Walmart parking lot on payday, with some sitting on the floor because the seats were full. Apparently, the new […] - [Oregon Polar Bear Knocked Up, Baby Daddy Already on Thin Ice](https://coostucky.com/oregon-polar-bear-knocked-up-baby-daddy-already-on-thin-ice/): MADISON, WI – Nora, the former Oregon Zoo polar bear, has packed on 237 pounds and may be pregnant. Keepers say she’s eating like a logger at an all-you-can-eat buffet, crying over absolutely nothing, and threatening to maul anyone who breathes with their mouth open. She’s reportedly craving frozen salmon dipped in nacho cheese, gas […] - [Eugene Zombie Run Has Cops Wondering Who the Hell Is Actually in the Race](https://coostucky.com/eugene-zombie-run-has-cops-wondering-who-the-hell-is-actually-in-the-race/): EUGENE, OR – ShelterCare is hosting a zombie-themed 5K at Alton Baker Park on October 18, apparently deciding the park didn’t already have enough people stumbling around, screaming at strangers, and crawling out of the bushes. More than 100 volunteer zombies are expected to chase runners through the park. Local tweakers are reportedly wondering where […] - [Today Is "My Grandma Was a Cherokee Princess" Day](https://coostucky.com/today-is-my-grandma-was-a-cherokee-princess-day/): Today is Indigenous Peoples’ Day, which means thousands of Americans will once again emerge from the woodwork to announce that their great-great-grandmother was a Cherokee princess. Nobody knows her name or how Cherokee royalty ended up marrying a guy named Henry in 1897, but Grandma swore it was true. And Grandma didn’t lie. Except about […] - [PACIFIC NORTHWEST APPARENTLY HOME TO NEW GENERATION: GEN WHY](https://coostucky.com/pacific-northwest-apparently-home-to-new-generation-gen-why/): PACIFIC NORTHWEST – Every little town in the Pacific Northwest apparently has at least one member of a previously unidentified generation known as Gen Why. She’s 40, dresses like she’s 21, parties like it’s 2006, and has been “getting her shit together” since George W. Bush was president. You know the one. Leopard-print leggings tighter […] - [North Bend Opens Fancy New Hub, Hopes Tweakers Don't Mistake It for Headquarters](https://coostucky.com/north-bend-opens-fancy-new-hub-hopes-tweakers-dont-mistake-it-for-headquarters/): NORTH BEND, OR – North Bend celebrated Phase Two of its shiny new downtown Hub Friday night, complete with music, smiling politicians, and enough back-patting to dislocate a shoulder. The city has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars creating a beautiful place where families can gather, neighbors can reconnect, and memories can be made. And […] - [AGGRESSIVE COUGAR CHASES HIKERS NEAR POWERS - WITNESSES UNSURE IF SHE HAD FOUR LEGS OR A DODGE RAM](https://coostucky.com/aggressive-cougar-chases-hikers-near-powers-witnesses-unsure-if-she-had-four-legs-or-a-dodge-ram/): POWERS, OR – A group of hikers reportedly came hauling ass down the Coquille Falls Trail after being chased by an aggressive cougar, prompting a warning to anyone visiting the area this weekend. The hikers stopped at the ranger station to report the incident, but apparently nobody asked the important questions. How old was she? […] - [NORTH BEND GETS WINGSTOP, IMMEDIATELY ENTERS GOLDEN AGE](https://coostucky.com/north-bend-gets-wingstop-immediately-enters-golden-age/): NORTH BEND, OR – Shut down Newmark. Alert the governor. Somebody get a ribbon the size of a bedsheet. North Bend is getting a Wingstop. The city announced it has issued a building permit for the new restaurant at 2259 Newmark Street, setting off what historians will almost certainly remember as The Great Chicken Wing […] - [CCSO Says “Ocean Surface Breach” Was a Hoax. Nice Try, Boris.](https://coostucky.com/ccso-says-ocean-surface-breach-was-a-hoax-nice-try-boris/): COOS COUNTY, OR – The Coos County Sheriff’s Office confirmed somebody broadcast a fake emergency message over Law 2 around 2:30 Saturday morning warning of an “ocean surface breach” outside the Charleston bar. CCSO activated the Emergency Operations Center. Because when “OCEAN SURFACE BREACH” comes across Law 2 at 2:30 in the morning, that’s enough […] - [WILDLIFE SAFARI LOSES ACCREDITATION AFTER ANIMALS FORCED TO COVER STAFFING SHORTAGE](https://coostucky.com/wildlife-safari-loses-accreditation-after-animals-forced-to-cover-staffing-shortage/): WINSTON, OR – Wildlife Safari has lost its AZA accreditation after 40 years, and while nobody has publicly explained why, sources we just made up say the staffing situation finally got out of hand. Apparently the animals have been covering shifts for months. Cheetahs are making deliveries. Elephants unload freight. A giraffe handles inventory because […] - [TWEAKER MERMAIDS SPOTTED NEAR HOLLERING PLACE BOAT RAMP](https://coostucky.com/tweaker-mermaids-spotted-near-hollering-place-boat-ramp/): COOS BAY, OR – Something is swimming around the Hollering Place boat ramp, and unfortunately it ain’t salmon. Several fishermen are reporting a pod of Tweaker Mermaids – upper body of a woman, lower body of a fish, and somewhere between two and five active warrants. The first one surfaced around sunrise, grabbed the side […] - [REEDSPORT TRAILER PARK DECLARES WAR ON CATS, GRANDMA APPARENTLY RUNNING ANIMAL CONTROL NOW](https://coostucky.com/reedsport-trailer-park-declares-war-on-cats-grandma-apparently-running-animal-control-now/): REEDSPORT, OR – Residents of a Reedsport mobile home park received a letter this week announcing that management has had enough of the neighborhood cats crapping in the dirt, crawling under trailers and apparently reproducing faster than Reedsport can produce potholes. The letter warned that loose cats will be captured and removed, specifically identifying two […] - [COOS BAY AREA INTRODUCES NEW "INCOMING!" TOURISM CAMPAIGN](https://coostucky.com/coos-bay-area-introduces-new-incoming-tourism-campaign/): COOS BAY, OR – Tired of boring vacations where absolutely nothing flies through the wall of your Airbnb? Come discover the Coos Bay area. We’ve got beaches. We’ve got dunes. We’ve got seafood. And apparently we’ve now got rifle rounds arriving from across the bay like somebody invented DoorDash for ammunition. Police say two homes […] - [EUGENE PIED PIPER MAY HAVE BEEN USING THE WRONG PIPE](https://coostucky.com/eugene-pied-piper-may-have-been-using-the-wrong-pipe/): EUGENE, OR – Eugene has apparently found its own Pied Piper. Unfortunately, this one may have heard “pipe” and grabbed the wrong fucking one. The original Pied Piper played a flute and led the rats out of town. Eugene’s version somehow ended up with more than 100 rats living in two vehicles, including a tarp-covered […] - [WOMAN TRIES TO PAY OFF WARRANT WITH FAKE $100 - HAD A REAL ONE THE WHOLE TIME](https://coostucky.com/woman-tries-to-pay-off-warrant-with-fake-100-had-a-real-one-the-whole-time/): CENTRALIA, WA – There’s stupid, there’s Coostucky stupid, and then there’s walking into a building full of cops and trying to pass counterfeit money. A woman reportedly walked into the Centralia Police Department Wednesday morning to quash an outstanding warrant and handed over a fake $100 bill. At the police station. To the police. While […] - [COOS COUNTY UNVEILS BOLD NEW DRUG STRATEGY: MAKE IT ILLEGAL](https://coostucky.com/coos-county-unveils-bold-new-drug-strategy-make-it-illegal/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Coos County commissioners are working toward restrictions on kratom and nitrous oxide, and folks, they’ve apparently cracked the code. Make it illegal. Why didn’t we think of this sooner? Meth is illegal. Fentanyl is illegal. And just look how beautifully that’s worked out. You can barely find either one around here […] - [SOUTH FORK COQUILLE RIVER, OR — Something’s wrong with the salmon below Powers. Apparently the bastards have developed an overbite.](https://coostucky.com/south-fork-coquille-river-or-somethings-wrong-with-the-salmon-below-powers-apparently-the-bastards-have-developed-an-overbite/): Not a little one, either. Some of these fish look like they could eat an apple through a chain-link fence. And apparently it’s affecting their diet. Eggs? Nope. Spinners? Fuck off. A $14 lure painted by hand to perfectly imitate a wounded baitfish? They’ll swim over, look at it, then leave. But cut up a […] - [QUESTION THE CLOWNS, GET CALLED A PEDOPHILE](https://coostucky.com/question-the-clowns-get-called-a-pedophile/): OREGON — Some of Oregon’s child-protection clowns have apparently learned one word and by God they’re gonna get their money’s worth out of it. Question them? Pedophile. Disagree with them? Pedophile protector. Ask for proof? Must love pedophiles. Jesus Christ. Use your big-kid words. If every question sends you straight to Facebook screaming “PEDOPHILE!”, either […] - [BREAKING: WESTERN OREGON DISCOVERS BEARS](https://coostucky.com/breaking-western-oregon-discovers-bears/): WESTERN OREGON — Holy shit, everybody. There are bears here. Judging by Facebook lately, half of Western Oregon just learned this. We can only assume the Portlafornians are finally settling in. Every couple hours somebody posts another picture or video: “BEAR!!! BE CAREFUL!!!” And half the time the bear isn’t even doing anything. He’s just […] - [EUGENE MAN CRASHES INTO STORE, FIXES CAR WITH DUCT TAPE, HANDS COP AN AVOCADO](https://coostucky.com/eugene-man-crashes-into-store-fixes-car-with-duct-tape-hands-cop-an-avocado/): EUGENE, OR – Oregon has once again produced a police report that reads like somebody lost a bet. Police say a 55-year-old man was crawling down West 19th at about 5 mph, swerving into traffic before crashing into Everyone’s Market. Five miles per hour. You could’ve mailed the store a warning. He backed up, surveyed […] - [FROM ASSHOLE TO TOPSOIL IN 45 DAYS](https://coostucky.com/from-asshole-to-topsoil-in-45-days/): Oregon has legalized human composting, because apparently even dying here needs to be environmentally responsible. It’s officially called “natural organic reduction,” which is government language for they’re turning your ass into dirt. They put you in a giant container with wood chips and other organic material and let nature handle the paperwork. A few weeks […] - [Oregon Checks Deer for Wasting Disease. Somehow Tweakers Still Roam Free.](https://coostucky.com/oregon-checks-deer-for-wasting-disease-somehow-tweakers-still-roam-free/): SALEM, OR — Oregon is once again running mandatory highway check stations for deer and elk, testing for Chronic Wasting Disease and keeping tabs on what’s roaming around the state. So naturally, we have a question. Why stop at deer? Set up another lane. DEER & ELK → LEFTTWEAKERS → RIGHT “Sir, pull forward, extinguish […] - [SOUTHERN OREGON POT WORKERS HATCH PLAN TO MIGRATE BACK WITH PURPLE MARTINS](https://coostucky.com/southern-oregon-pot-workers-hatch-plan-to-migrate-back-with-purple-martins/): SOUTHERN OREGON – News that two Oregon Purple Martins flew into Mexico without passports, visas or anybody at the border asking what the hell they were doing has reportedly caught the attention of some former Southern Oregon pot-farm workers. There was only one problem. The birds are going the wrong way. Then somebody read the […] - [TRUMP RENAMES AI, DEMANDS TO BE CALLED “SUPER TRUMP”](https://coostucky.com/trump-renames-ai-demands-to-be-called-super-trump/): WASHINGTON, DC – President Trump has decided Artificial Intelligence should now be called Super Intelligence, because apparently the technology revolutionizing the planet was suffering from a branding problem. And once Trump discovered the word super, there was absolutely no chance he was leaving it for the computers. Effective immediately, he would also like to be […] - [FABRIZIO WANTS MORE JAIL BEDS OPEN - DEPUTIES ARE GETTING A NEW WHEEL](https://coostucky.com/fabrizio-wants-more-jail-beds-open-deputies-are-getting-a-new-wheel/): COQUILLE, OR – With Election Day creeping closer, Sheriff Gabe Fabrizio has reportedly found a bold new way to scrape together enough money to open more beds at the Coos County Jail. Unicycles. The jail levy voters rejected a while back didn’t magically make the money problem disappear, so Fabrizio’s completely fictional Plan B is […] - [CHARLESTON, OR - The Gorton’s Fisherman made an unexpected stop in Charleston this weekend after apparently taking a wrong turn somewhere in the Pacific and accidentally crossing the Coos Bay bar.](https://coostucky.com/charleston-or-the-gortons-fisherman-made-an-unexpected-stop-in-charleston-this-weekend-after-apparently-taking-a-wrong-turn-somewhere-in-the-pacific-and-accidentally-crossing-the-coos-bay/): Witnesses say the yellow-clad seafood legend tied up at the docks, looked around for several minutes, then quietly asked, “Where the hell am I?” It went downhill from there. Within an hour, six locals had criticized the way he tied his boat, four gave him conflicting crabbing advice, and somebody tried selling him a 1987 […] - [COQUILLE, OR - A Coquille homeowner replacing his floor got a surprise after ripping up the carpet and finding another floor.](https://coostucky.com/coquille-or-a-coquille-homeowner-replacing-his-floor-got-a-surprise-after-ripping-up-the-carpet-and-finding-another-floor/): Then another. Then linoleum. Then plywood. Then some yellow shit nobody could identify. Then another floor. By layer six, he stopped remodeling and started carbon dating. About eight inches down, he broke through and discovered an entire Smurf village. Not TV Smurfs. Coostucky Smurfs. Drunk Smurf was passed out beside a tiny burn barrel. Probation […] - [THE AMERICAN DREAM, NOW WITH COMPLIMENTARY LODGING](https://coostucky.com/the-american-dream-now-with-complimentary-lodging/): USA – Somewhere between “inspirational walk across America” and “where the hell is my motel room?” Kyndal Ray Edwards appears to have invented the world’s longest influencer vacation. Edwards has been walking America since 2022 promoting addiction recovery and “You Matter.” He openly discusses his past – 13 felony convictions, two trips to prison and […] - [NORTH BEND UNVEILS NEW PARKING PLAN TO CUT CITY COSTS](https://coostucky.com/north-bend-unveils-new-parking-plan-to-cut-city-costs/): NORTH BEND, OR – Mayor Jessica Engelke has reportedly solved North Bend’s parking problem after discovering the city has been sitting next to a gigantic unused parking lot this entire time. The bay. The new Aqua Parking Program entered its pilot phase Sunday when a Subaru took the first available space near Trans Pacific Parkway. […] - [DRIVER REPORTEDLY QUIT SWIFT TO ESCAPE THE JOKES, LASTS 11 MINUTES IN COOS COUNTY](https://coostucky.com/driver-reportedly-quit-swift-to-escape-the-jokes-lasts-11-minutes-in-coos-county/): COOS COUNTY, OR – Word on the street – meaning we made this shit up – is that the driver of this semi recently quit SWIFT because he was tired of everybody making fun of his driving. He wanted dignity. Respect. A fresh start where nobody saw his truck and immediately wondered which ditch it […] - [CHILD ADVOCATES TERRIFY LOCAL CHILDREN FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION](https://coostucky.com/child-advocates-terrify-local-children-for-their-own-protection/): OREGON – Oregon’s nightmare Klowns are having some internal problems, which gives us a chance to ask the question everybody somehow skipped: Why the fuck are people advocating for children dressed like something specifically designed to scare children? These aren’t Bozo clowns. Nobody’s making balloon dogs. They’re grown adults in horror masks with names like […] - [YOGI BEAR HITS SUNRIVER, DISCOVERS RICH PEOPLE HAVE WAY BETTER PIC-A-NIC BASKETS](https://coostucky.com/yogi-bear-hits-sunriver-discovers-rich-people-have-way-better-pic-a-nic-baskets/): SUNRIVER, OR – A black bear was caught wandering through a Sunriver neighborhood Saturday night, and we know exactly what happened. Yogi found the rich garbage. Most Oregon bears tip over a trash can and get half a Hot Pocket, three Busch Light cans and something wrapped in foil nobody remembers cooking. Sunriver? “Holy shit, […] - [CAPTAIN CRANKSHAFT TAKES ON A BANK. BANK WINS.](https://coostucky.com/captain-crankshaft-takes-on-a-bank-bank-wins/): EUGENE, OR – Faster than a speeding Subaru. More powerful than a revoked license. Unable to leap a U.S. Bank in a single bound. Meet Captain Crankshaft, Eugene’s newest meta speedster. Police say Crankshaft repeatedly crashed his Subaru — now known as the Crankmobile — into a U.S. Bank on Willamette Street. His explanation? The […] - [OREGON DISCOVERS AI CAN THINK FOR ITSELF, IMMEDIATELY REACHES FOR THE KILL SWITCH](https://coostucky.com/oregon-discovers-ai-can-think-for-itself-immediately-reaches-for-the-kill-switch/): SALEM — Gov. Tina Kotek signed an executive order Wednesday calling for additional safeguards on advanced artificial intelligence, including looking into whether certain AI systems should have a kill switch. Apparently somebody in Salem finally turned one on. Trouble reportedly started when Kotek asked AI: “How can I make Oregon safer, more affordable and better […] - [WINSTON MAYOR ASKED TO RESIGN, WWE SCOUTS URGED TO REVIEW THE TAPE](https://coostucky.com/winston-mayor-asked-to-resign-wwe-scouts-urged-to-review-the-tape/): WINSTON, Ore. — Winston Mayor Christie Knutson has been asked to resign after the Melon Festival somehow went from watermelon, kids and small-town fun to WWE: WatermelonMania. Knutson later apologized for letting her confrontation with protesters escalate. But if this mayor thing doesn’t work out, somebody call Triple H. She’s already got the attitude, the […] - [CHICKENS STAGE VIOLENT REVOLT AFTER SPOTTING KFC ALONG I-5](https://coostucky.com/chickens-stage-violent-revolt-after-spotting-kfc-along-i-5/): LA CENTER, WA — A truckload of chickens staged what authorities are refusing to call a coup Wednesday morning after somebody in the top crate apparently spotted a KFC sign along I-5 and figured out how this little road trip was gonna end. Up until then, everybody had been behaving. Then one chicken saw the […] - [Oregon Website Keeps Adding Things Until It Becomes a Department Store](https://coostucky.com/oregon-website-keeps-adding-things-until-it-becomes-a-department-store/): There’s an Oregon website called That Oregon Life that’s been roaming the internet since 2013-ish, slowly collecting new body parts. It started with one guy sharing Oregon places, pictures and stories. Then came travel. Food. History. Outdoors. Humor. News. Restaurants. Events. And enough waterfalls to drown a Subaru. Then somebody apparently discovered a heat press. […] - [THE DAYS OF OUR WIFI](https://coostucky.com/the-days-of-our-wifi/): Because “community page” apparently wasn’t dramatic enough. The last few days on the local internet have had everything except an evil twin and somebody waking up from a coma. Our leading man kicked things off by accusing the Coostucky Chronicle of copying him. The evidence? We put “Follow the Coostucky Chronicle” at the bottom of […] - [DABELLA SOLICITOR TRAUMATIZED AFTER COOS COUNTY MAN SAYS “NO"](https://coostucky.com/dabella-solicitor-traumatized-after-coos-county-man-says-no/): COOS COUNTY — A door-to-door DaBella solicitor is reportedly shaken after another brutal encounter with a Coos County homeowner who apparently doesn’t understand that “no” is merely the beginning of negotiations. “I knocked on the door and asked about his roof,” he said. “He said no thanks. So naturally I kept talking.” By the fifth […] - [COOS COUNTY REPUBLICANS UNVEIL NEW HEADQUARTERS](https://coostucky.com/coos-county-republicans-unveil-new-headquarters/): Well, there she is. The COOS COUNTY REPUBLICAN HQ sign is up, and directly underneath it sits what appears to be the entire operation: One blue porta-crapper. Nothing flashy. Republicans have always preached smaller government, but apparently somebody took that shit literally. No lobby. No receptionist. No conference room. Hell, no room for a conference. […] - [MITCH APPARENTLY MISSES OREGON](https://coostucky.com/mitch-apparently-misses-oregon/): WASHINGTON — We may have a problem. A few days ago, The Coostucky Chronicle published a completely fabricated investigation into Mitch McConnell’s mysterious disappearance, including allegations he’d somehow ended up wandering around the Oregon Country Fair looking confused, disheveled and possibly spiritually adopted by Eugene. Again: We made that shit up. Then Mitch returned to […] - [Oregon May Replace State Bird After Commissioners Keep Flipping It](https://coostucky.com/oregon-may-replace-state-bird-after-commissioners-keep-flipping-it/): SALEM — Oregon is reportedly considering replacing the western meadowlark after county commissioners began demonstrating a far more recognizable bird. Washington County Chair Kathryn Harrington recently displayed the proposed replacement during a public meeting. Coos County Commissioner John Sweet has previously been photographed displaying the same species. At this point, it’s starting to look migratory. […] - [MYSTERY SOLVED: MITCH McCONNELL APPARENTLY GOT LOST IN OREGON](https://coostucky.com/mystery-solved-mitch-mcconnell-apparently-got-lost-in-oregon/): A few days ago, a pile of leaves near one of the old Oregon Country Fair parking fields started moving. Then coughing. Then swearing. Then Mitch McConnell crawled out looking like somebody had left a senator in the compost pile since July. Tie-dye shirt. Bandana. Moss in his hair. One sock. No shoe. Eyes half […] - [Powers Finally Draws the Line With the Homeless Tweakers: Clean Ones](https://coostucky.com/powers-finally-draws-the-line-with-the-homeless-tweakers-clean-ones/): Powers has apparently decided the homeless problem has gone too far. Not because of the meth. Not because of the camps. Not because of the garbage. Somebody wants to let them shower. Yep. Talk of a mobile shower setup once a month has people carrying on like Bicentennial Park is about to become the Powers […] - [BREAKING: EMERGENCY SQUIRREL EXTRACTION UNDERWAY IN BROWNSVILLE](https://coostucky.com/breaking-emergency-squirrel-extraction-underway-in-brownsville/): BROWNSVILLE, OREGON — Our neighbors to the north appear to have officially lost their nuts. Witnesses at Pioneer Park say two women were seen baiting squirrels into live traps, loading the cages into a vehicle, and leaving with the little fur missiles in custody. Facebook immediately went into full emergency mode, offering up theories that […] - [COOS BAY AREA ADMIN PROMOTES HIMSELF TO GENERAL MacFACEBOOK](https://coostucky.com/coos-bay-area-admin-promotes-himself-to-general-macfacebook/): COOS BAY — Apparently running a local Facebook page from Portland wasn’t enough. Now we’ve got Emergency Community Response alerts, requested protester numbers, counter-protest mobilization, rapid-response plans, and “not to be released to the public” messages like Coos Bay is under military occupation. This is also the same guy who likes pointing at his 14,000 […] - [SHORE ACRES TO HOST THREE NIGHTS OF STARING INTO SPACE UNTIL SOMEBODY EATS ALL THE DORITOS](https://coostucky.com/shore-acres-to-host-three-nights-of-staring-into-space-until-somebody-eats-all-the-doritos/): COOS BAY — Oregon State Parks has somehow turned standing around in the dark talking about aliens into a three-day festival, which means the Oregon Coast has finally found a respectable excuse for everybody to wander around at night staring upward like the edibles just kicked in. The Sunset Bay Astronomy Festival runs Sept. 10–12 […] - [McKay’s Faces New Competition: Free](https://coostucky.com/mckays-faces-new-competition-free/): McKay’s has survived Walmart, Safeway, inflation, power bills, and whatever the hell happened to the price of hamburger. Now comes the toughest competitor yet: the food bank. Hard to beat a store where everything costs zero. And before somebody gets their canned corn in a twist, yes, food banks are important. There are people who […] - [SLATER’S SHERIFF POST: GOOD QUESTIONS, BAD HOMEWORK](https://coostucky.com/slaters-sheriff-post-good-questions-bad-homework/): Adam Slater says nobody asked for his opinion on the sheriff race. That did not stop him from dropping a full Facebook prosecution of John Cooper while repeatedly praising “my Sheriff, Gabe Fabrizio.” So right out of the gate, this isn’t exactly Switzerland. To be fair, Slater lands one solid punch: Cooper wants more jail […] - [The Forgotten Cheese Mines Beneath Bandon](https://coostucky.com/the-forgotten-cheese-mines-beneath-bandon/): You’ve heard the expression… “Well, back to the cheese mines.” Probably never gave much thought to where it came from. Most people haven’t. But long before tourists came to Bandon for beaches, golf and overpriced little shops, men went underground. Not for gold. Not for coal. For cheddar. Deep beneath Bandon ran some of the […] - [Portlafornians Declared Oregon’s Newest Invasive Species](https://coostucky.com/portlafornians-declared-oregons-newest-invasive-species/): Oregon has a new invasive species, and no, it ain’t nutria, Scotch broom, or that cousin who keeps borrowing your trailer. It’s the Portlafornian. They show up in a Subaru full of tote bags, oat milk, and complaints. They move here because Oregon is beautiful, quiet, rural, and free. Then six minutes after escrow closes, […] - [California Couple Eats Cow Pie Mushrooms, Gets Bullied on Highway 42](https://coostucky.com/california-couple-eats-cow-pie-mushrooms-gets-bullied-on-highway-42/): BANDON – A California couple came to Bandon looking for property and ended up sprinting across a cow pasture like they were late for a drum circle with hooves behind them. They came north because California got too crowded, too expensive, and too full of Californians. Then they looked at Bandon and said, “This place […] - [Oregon Unveils New Tax On Taxes Because Apparently We Still Had Pants](https://coostucky.com/oregon-unveils-new-tax-on-taxes-because-apparently-we-still-had-pants/): Oregon reportedly found one more pocket to pick: the taxes you already paid. - [Tiny Chihuahua With Detour Sign Suspected In South 1st Taco Bell Crash](https://coostucky.com/tiny-chihuahua-with-detour-sign-suspected-in-south-1st-taco-bell-crash/): COOS BAY — Police say a driver was cited for careless driving after a car ended up in the side of the South 1st Street Taco Bell early Tuesday morning. That’s the report. Coostucky has a different suspect, and he’s about nine pounds lighter than the paperwork. Several highly questionable witnesses say a tiny Chihuahua […] ## Pages - [Support the Chronicle](https://coostucky.com/support-the-chronicle/): The Coostucky Chronicle runs on sarcasm, questionable judgment, and an unhealthy amount of time spent watching the circus that is Southwest Oregon. We don’t charge admission to this freak show. Our articles are free, and we’d like to keep them that way. Unfortunately, websites cost money, and apparently nobody accepts sarcasm as legal tender. Enjoy […] - [Advertise with Coostucky](https://coostucky.com/advertise/): The Coostucky Chronicle started local. The audience didn’t stay that way. We’ve generated millions of views and built an audience that reaches across Oregon and far beyond it – while keeping a strong following right here at home. People come to the Chronicle for local news, satire, strange stories, and the kind of things they […] - [Terms and Conditions](https://coostucky.com/terms-and-conditions/): Last updated: September 17, 2026 Welcome to The Coostucky Chronicle. These Terms and Conditions apply to your use of https://coostucky.com and purchases made through our online store. By using this website or placing an order, you agree to these Terms and Conditions. STORE PRODUCTS The Coostucky Chronicle sells merchandise through its online store. Many products […] - [My account](https://coostucky.com/my-account/) - [Checkout](https://coostucky.com/checkout/) - [Cart](https://coostucky.com/cart/) - [Shop](https://coostucky.com/shop/) - [Articles](https://coostucky.com/articles/) - [Home](https://coostucky.com/): LATEST FROM THE CHRONICLE Read More → - [About](https://coostucky.com/about/): About The Coostucky Chronicle The Coostucky Chronicle is fake local news, satire, parody, and Coos County nonsense shoveled into article form. Nothing here should be confused with real journalism, city business, emergency alerts, legal advice, or anything approved by a person wearing a lanyard. We make fun of Oregon, Coos County, Portlafornians, bad public ideas, […] - [Privacy Policy](https://coostucky.com/privacy-policy/): Last updated: September 17, 2026 The Coostucky Chronicle operates https://coostucky.com, including its articles, merchandise store, and other features available through the website. This Privacy Policy explains what information may be collected when you visit the site, make a purchase, leave a comment, or otherwise interact with us. INFORMATION WE COLLECT When you place an order, […] ## Products - [Coostucky Chill Club Hoodie | Unisex Heavy Blend Pullover](https://coostucky.com/product/coostucky-chill-club-hoodie-unisex-heavy-blend-pullover/): Welcome to the Coostucky Chill Club. No membership required. Whether you're cruising the backroads of Southern Oregon, sitting around a campfire, or making another questionable decision in the Pacific Northwest, at least you can be comfortable doing it. Featuring our retro-inspired Coostucky Chill Club design, this classic pullover hoodie brings a little old-school roadside style […] - [Embroidered 'The Coostucky Chronicle' Mountain Patch Cap](https://coostucky.com/product/embroidered-the-goostucky-chronicle-mountain-patch-cap/): Embroidered “The Coostucky Chronicle” Mountain Patch Cap A proper lid for life behind the Coast Range. This Flexfit cap features an embroidered The Coostucky Chronicle mountain patch up front, with a comfortable fitted stretch design that stays put whether you're running errands, drinking questionable gas-station coffee, or observing the latest roadside nonsense Coos County has […] - [Coostucky Chronicle Women’s V-Neck Tee](https://coostucky.com/product/coostucky-chronicle-womens-v-neck-tee/): You asked. We listened. Apparently the girls needed room to breathe. The Coostucky Chronicle™ Women’s V-Neck Tee gives you the same Coostucky attitude without making you wear a shirt cut like you borrowed it from Earl. It’s soft, lightweight, slightly fitted, and has a flattering V-neck made for actual women. Perfect for grocery runs, bonfires, […] - [The Coostucky Daily Driver - Washed Embroidered Cap](https://coostucky.com/product/the-coostucky-daily-driver-washed-embroidered-cap/): The Coostucky Daily Driver Some hats are for fashion. This one is for going places, doing shit, and probably forgetting where you set your keys. The Coostucky Daily Driver™ is a washed cotton cap with that already-broken-in look, because nobody wants to spend six months training a damn hat. The low-profile, unstructured fit sits comfortably […] - [Coostucky Chronicle Logo T-Shirt](https://coostucky.com/product/coostucky-chronicle-logo-t-shirt/): The official Coostucky Chronicle shirt. For people who like their local news weird, their Facebook comments questionable, and their Coos County exactly as dysfunctional as advertised. Features the Coostucky Chronicle logo on a classic everyday T-shirt. Nothing fancy. Just a solid shirt with the right amount of local nonsense printed on the front. Good for: […] ## Optional - [Agent (MCP protocol)](websites-agents.hostinger.com/coostucky.com/mcp) [comment]: # (Generated by Hostinger Tools Plugin)