NORTH BEND, OR – Back in the 1800s, traveling snake oil salesmen rolled into town promising to cure baldness, hemorrhoids, and limp peckers with a bottle of whiskey, horse piss, and enough bullshit to fertilize forty acres.
Apparently, DaBella has brought back the profession. They just traded the covered wagon for a company truck and the miracle tonic for roofing and windows.
Same old routine. Scare Grandma into thinking her roof is about to cave in, talk her ears off, and keep a boot in the doorway until she signs something or dies of old age.
Well, North Bend Police have apparently had enough of the medicine show.
After repeated complaints, police told DaBella to stop going door to door until its salespeople get properly registered. The company has a business license, but apparently somebody forgot the fellas actually knocking on doors need paperwork too.
You’d think a company selling home improvements could figure out how to stay out of somebody else’s home when they’re told to leave.
These modern-day snake oil peddlers would probably try selling a drowning man new gutters before throwing him a rope.
Tell one you’re not interested and suddenly you’re being treated like a stubborn mule refusing a miracle cure. Close the door and there’s a good chance, in our imaginary medicine show, his boot is already wedged between the jamb and your last remaining nerve.
We’re surprised they haven’t started offering Dr. DaBella’s Miracle Shingle Tonic. Guaranteed to cure leaky roofs, gout, and hemorrhoids. Just sign here, surrender your firstborn, and finance the rest until Jesus comes back.
At least the old snake oil salesmen had enough sense to pack up the wagon when the sheriff came looking.
These geniuses put their names on the trucks.
Satire based on a North Bend Police public notice. The intimidation, sales pitches, and foot-in-the-door antics are fictional exaggerations, not verified accounts of specific incidents.
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