COOS COUNTY, OR – The burn ban has officially been lifted, and across Coos County, residents are celebrating by setting fire to six months of accumulated household garbage.
Apparently, being allowed to burn yard debris also means it’s time to clean out the garage, empty the kitchen garbage, and get rid of anything too big to fit in the trash can.
Old mattresses, busted recliners, plastic buckets, bald tires, and bags of garbage that have been fermenting in the garage since June are being hauled into backyards.
One man outside Coquille reportedly threw three branches on top of a burning couch and declared it a yard debris fire.
“I know what I’m doing. Been burning garbage for 40 years,” he explained, shortly before an aerosol can exploded and hit him in the side of the head.
The real professionals wait until dark, apparently convinced nobody can see smoke after sunset. Meanwhile, their backyard looks like a volcano erupting, and the neighbors are wondering why their house smells like melted Tupperware and burnt cat piss.
By the weekend, Coos County should resemble a chain of active volcanoes, with smoke pouring out of every valley and up every hillside from Powers to Lakeside.
Officials remind residents that burning household garbage is still illegal.
Local residents responded by throwing another armload of plastic into the fire and turning off the porch light so nobody could see them.
By Halloween, Coos County should be visible from space.
Unfortunately, nobody in Coos County will be able to see across the street.
Disclaimer: Satire. Burning household garbage is illegal. Throwing three blackberry vines on top doesn’t make it yard debris.
Follow The Coostucky Chronicle for more local news that smells suspiciously like somebody’s burning a couch.
