SALEM, OR – Governor Tina Kotek has finally figured out what’s wrong with Oregon. Apparently, it’s the people living here.
In a recent interview with OPB, Kotek admitted she’s done a “subpar job” explaining her administration’s accomplishments. Well, that explains everything.
For years, Oregonians have been complaining about housing costs, homelessness, lousy schools, and an economy that couldn’t pull a greasy string out of a cat’s ass. Turns out, nobody bothered telling them how good they’ve got it.
Kotek is reportedly preparing a statewide educational campaign titled Oregon Is Wonderful, You Ungrateful Shits. The program will send state employees door to door explaining the governor’s accomplishments to residents who are too busy working three jobs to appreciate them.
Families struggling to afford groceries will receive a glossy photograph of Kotek enjoying brunch, along with instructions on how to make a single potato last until Thursday. Homeless residents will be reminded that Oregon has some of the most beautiful scenery in America and that most people pay hundreds of dollars to sleep outside.
Unemployed residents will be encouraged to pursue careers in tourism, interpretive dance, or explaining to other unemployed people how wonderful Oregon is.
The governor has also proposed mailing every Oregon household a congratulatory certificate recognizing their participation in one of the most successful administrations they’ve apparently been too stupid to appreciate.
Asked whether lowering the cost of living might be more effective, Kotek reportedly stared at the questioner like he’d just suggested putting mayonnaise in her kombucha.
“We’ve accomplished a tremendous amount,” she allegedly explained. “It’s unfortunate that people insist on judging their circumstances by what’s actually happening to them.”
The governor’s office insists Oregon is headed in the right direction. Residents are encouraged to stop asking where the hell they’re going and start appreciating the ride.
Disclaimer: Satire. Kotek’s remarks about communicating her accomplishments are real. The campaign, proposals, and additional quotes are fabricated. The accompanying AI-generated image is a humorous depiction of an event that never occurred.
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