COOS COUNTY, OR – The new mobile shower program hasn’t even had time to run out of hot water, and already a competing outfit has rolled into town offering free showers, laundry services, and enough water pressure to remove a tattoo.
Operating as South Coast High Pressure Hygiene, three local guys have assembled a mobile tweaker-washing facility using a 4,000 PSI pressure washer, an old cement mixer, and a flatbed trailer that probably belongs to somebody else.
While Compass Outreach receives grants, government funding, and charitable donations, the competition runs entirely on contributions from residents who’ve had bicycles stolen, sheds burglarized, and lawnmowers disappear. “Business is booming,” explained founder Darrell “Sudsy” Watkins. “One lady donated $200 and asked if we could turn the pressure up on the guy who stole her weed eater. Another offered us a thousand bucks if we’d use the nozzle that strips paint.”
The shower station consists of a plastic lawn chair, a plywood wall, and three nozzle settings: Rinse, Strip Paint, and Confess. Customers must empty their pockets first. Last week somebody clogged the drain with seventeen cigarette lighters, a bicycle chain, and a catalytic converter.
Laundry is handled by an old cement mixer loaded with detergent, creek water, and two shovels of gravel. “Gets the stains out,” Watkins explained. “Sometimes the pockets too, but most of these clothes already got holes in ’em. We found a pair of pants in there last Tuesday that still had a court summons in the pocket. Came out cleaner than the guy wearing ’em.”
The deluxe package includes a leaf blower dry-off, flea inspection, and a complimentary blast of pine cleaner.
County officials reportedly questioned the operation’s safety after a customer was blown clean out of his lawn chair. “Nobody complained when that same guy was stealing lawn furniture,” Watkins replied. “Now everybody’s worried about his chair.”
The crew is accepting donations of hoses, detergent, and pressure washers. Several residents have volunteered, although management suspects most just want to operate the trigger.
Meanwhile, another entrepreneur is reportedly converting an abandoned car wash into a drive-through tweaker bath. The only disagreement is whether the undercarriage treatment should be mandatory.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. South Coast High Pressure Hygiene, its employees, and its questionable bathing methods are entirely fictional. Compass Outreach’s mobile shower program is real, but the pressure-washing competition is not. No tweakers were pressure-washed, launched from lawn chairs, or tumbled with gravel in a cement mixer during the production of this article. Pressure washers can cause serious injuries, so leave the industrial equipment for cleaning driveways, not people.
FOLLOW THE COOSTUCKY CHRONICLE for more South Coast business developments that probably shouldn’t be encouraged.
