By Marlene Puckett, Director of Community Standards & Neighborhood Observation

Well, it’s Halloween again. That special time of year when it’s perfectly acceptable to send your little freeloaders door to door demanding handouts from complete strangers.

The rest of the year we call that panhandling. Tonight we give them a plastic pumpkin and call it adorable.

Last year some little shit dressed as Batman pounded on my door demanding chocolate. Didn’t say please, didn’t say thank you. Just stood there holding out his bucket like I owed him child support.

I gave him a cough drop.

His mother came marching up my driveway demanding an explanation. I told her the same reason her husband was living in a fifth-wheel behind his brother’s shop. Some people just aren’t welcome.

And these lazy parents following their kids around in SUVs! When I was little, we walked six miles in the rain wearing a pillowcase with eyeholes. If we fell in a ditch, we climbed out. If we didn’t, somebody eventually noticed.

Now we’ve got entire families blocking traffic so little Brayden can waddle across the street dressed like a chicken nugget.

Here’s some safety advice since apparently nobody can figure this out anymore.

Put reflective tape on your kids. If your child resembles a black garbage bag running across Highway 42, we’ve got a problem.

Stay out of people’s yards. My flower beds aren’t a shortcut, and that plastic skeleton on my porch isn’t an invitation to start tearing shit apart.

Check their candy. And quit worrying about somebody hiding expensive drugs in a miniature Milky Way. Nobody’s wasting good drugs on your kids, Brenda.

And if the porch light is off, DON’T KNOCK. That means nobody wants to see you. Apparently Linda’s third husband never understood that either.

I’ve disconnected my doorbell, moved my lawn ornaments, and prepared a notebook containing the names of every little heathen who steps off the sidewalk.

And before anybody accuses me of being unfriendly, I bought candy.

It’s in the kitchen.

I’m eating it.

Happy Halloween, Coos County. Keep your little beggars out of traffic, off my property, and away from my damn Snickers.

Disclaimer: Marlene Puckett is a fictional Coostucky character. The Chronicle encourages safe trick-or-treating, adult supervision, and respecting homes with their porch lights off. Marlene encourages everybody to go somewhere else.

Follow the Coostucky Chronicle. Marlene would prefer you didn’t.