COQUILLE, OR – Halloween has taken a ridiculous turn after residents discovered that several trick-or-treaters are actually elderly Jehovah’s Witnesses wearing cheap children’s costumes and handing out Watchtower magazines.

The operation reportedly began when a 72-year-old man dressed as Spider-Man discovered that after 40 years of knocking on doors, watching curtains move, and hearing people pretend they weren’t home, folks were suddenly throwing their doors open and smiling.

One woman even yelled, “COME ON UP!”

The man stood there trembling before screaming, “GOOD LORD, IT WORKS! GET THE OTHERS!”

Within minutes, Coquille was crawling with elderly superheroes.

A 68-year-old Batman was waddling up driveways with a briefcase, two Ninja Turtles in orthopedic shoes were working opposite sides of the street, and a woman dressed as Elsa was trying to schedule Bible studies with homeowners who just wanted to give her a damn Kit Kat.

One resident became suspicious when Superman showed up with a walker, refused a Snickers, and asked if he could return Saturday with his wife.

Things went to hell when a 79-year-old Wonder Woman got her cape caught in a screen door, lost her dentures, and fell headfirst into a plastic pumpkin while explaining Armageddon.

Police were called after Batman refused to leave a porch. Officers found him arguing with a homeowner who kept trying to put candy in his briefcase.

“STOP GIVING ME CHOCOLATE! I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR SOUL!”

Meanwhile, one Ninja Turtle fell backward into a hedge. His partner attempted a rescue, tripped over his own shell, and landed on top of him. An eight-year-old firefighter had to call for help.

Despite the disaster, organizers are calling the operation a tremendous success, having distributed 47 magazines and secured one promise to attend a Bible study from a confused six-year-old dressed as a hot dog.

Plans are already underway for spring, when members intend to disguise themselves as Girl Scouts.

Residents are advised to be suspicious of anyone selling Thin Mints who also wants to discuss the end of the world.

DISCLAIMER: This is Coostucky Chronicle satire. No religious infiltration occurred, no elderly superheroes were injured, and Jehovah’s Witnesses had nothing to do with this fictional operation.

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