Sponsored by 3H Tree Service
COOS COUNTY, OR – A local man’s attempt to save money on tree removal ended Saturday with a destroyed bathroom, a flattened barbecue, and his wife asking the paramedics if they accepted returns.
It started when 54-year-old Wayne noticed a Douglas fir leaning toward the house. His wife, Linda, suggested calling 3H Tree Service. Wayne disagreed.
“Hell, my grandpa logged for 40 years!”
His grandpa also had nine fingers, but Wayne leaves that part out.
By 10 a.m., Wayne had purchased a $79 electric chainsaw, a 100-foot extension cord, and watched eleven minutes of YouTube. He was now, by his own estimation, a professional logger.
His plan was to remove the tree one limb at a time, starting with a large branch hanging over the roof. Unfortunately, his stepladder was too short. Fortunately, he had two cinder blocks, some plywood, and absolutely no survival instincts.
“YOU’RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF, WAYNE!”
“YOU WORRY TOO DAMN MUCH, WOMAN!”
Halfway through the first limb, Wayne accidentally unplugged the saw. After climbing down and cussing out the extension cord, he climbed back up, this time looping the cord around his waist to keep it out of the way.
“WAYNE! DON’T WRAP THAT DAMN CORD AROUND YOURSELF!”
“I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!”
He did not.
When the limb broke loose, it snagged the extension cord and yanked Wayne sideways off the ladder. For two glorious seconds, he was airborne, swinging toward the house like a redneck Christmas ornament.
He hit the gutter ass-first, bounced onto the roof, and rolled off onto the barbecue he’d spent three summers promising to fix.
Meanwhile, the limb crashed through the bathroom window, demolished the toilet, knocked Jesus off the wall, and somehow turned on the shower.
Linda found Wayne tangled in extension cord, covered in barbecue grease, and screaming for somebody to shut the water off.
“YOU SAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ME A NEW HOUSE, YOU JACKASS?”
Wayne, missing both boots, wanted to know if she’d seen his chainsaw.
Linda called 3H Tree Service.
Wayne insists everything would’ve gone fine if somebody hadn’t distracted him.
SPONSORED BY 3H TREE SERVICE
There’s a difference between owning a chainsaw and knowing what the hell you’re doing with one. Got a tree threatening your house? Call the professionals at 3H Tree Service before your home becomes an insurance adjuster’s retirement plan.
📞 (541) 294-1800
✉️ 3htreeservice@gmail.com
🌐 3h-tree-service.com
Disclaimer: Wayne and Linda are fictional. Unfortunately, the confidence is real.
