COOSTUCKY – The Coostucky Chronicle has temporarily laid off longtime employee Earl after an internal review revealed he hadn’t accomplished a damn thing since being hired.

Earl’s official duties included drinking beer, scratching his ass, and occasionally carrying a clipboard around to appear busy. Management became suspicious when they discovered the clipboard contained a grocery list from 2019 and a drawing of a naked woman.

Earl took the news well until he realized his beer supply was down to six cans, two of which were already open.

Rather than find actual employment, Earl announced he’d be stripping at the Bachelor’s Inn for the remainder of the week.

There’s just one problem. Nobody hired him.

Earl hasn’t applied, auditioned, or even called. He simply assumes the poles are available for public use, like the drinking fountains at Walmart.

He’s been practicing on a floor lamp in his living room, resulting in a broken lampshade, a pulled groin, and a neighbor calling the fire department after spotting his bare ass pressed against the window.

Earl plans to arrive Thursday wearing cowboy boots, overalls, and enough baby oil to grease a logging truck. His opening number involves removing one overall strap, rotating around the pole, and bending over to retrieve a dollar he dropped himself.

He hopes to earn enough for a case of beer by Saturday but will also accept payment from customers who prefer he keep his clothes on.

The Chronicle expects Earl back Monday.

The Bachelor’s Inn has not responded to requests for comment, presumably because nobody has had the heart to tell them what’s coming.

DISCLAIMER: This article is satire. Earl is fictional, and the Bachelor’s Inn has absolutely nothing to do with his alleged career plans. No performances have been scheduled or authorized. Please don’t show up expecting to see Earl’s ass.

Follow the Coostucky Chronicle for more questionable journalism and local nonsense nobody asked us to investigate.

🌐 coostucky.com