A few days ago, a pile of leaves near one of the old Oregon Country Fair parking fields started moving. Then coughing. Then swearing. Then Mitch McConnell crawled out looking like somebody had left a senator in the compost pile since July.

Tie-dye shirt. Bandana. Moss in his hair. One sock. No shoe. Eyes half open. And somehow he still looked stoned.

He stood up, looked around at the empty field and asked, “Did the cows already leave?” Then wanted to know where the pie tent went.

Things went downhill from there.

Mitch apparently spent several minutes trying to figure out what month it was, why he was dressed like a retired roadie, and whether the guy named Moonbeam had actually existed.

At one point he pulled a dried mushroom out of his pocket, stared at it for a while and muttered, “Well, that explains some of it.”

Somebody finally told him the fair had been over for two months.

Mitch looked around at the empty field, brushed a slug off his shoulder and asked, “So… everybody just left?”

Yes, Mitch.

Everybody left.

A few days later he was back in Washington wearing a suit like none of this happened.

He still looks stoned.

Still no word on the missing shoe.

DISCLAIMER: Satire. Mitch McConnell did not disappear at the Oregon Country Fair, eat mystery mushrooms, live under a pile of leaves or spend two months wandering around Veneta looking for livestock.

If you laughed, follow The Coostucky Chronicle. We’ll keep digging through Oregon’s leaf piles until we find something dumber.