WASHINGTON — We may have a problem.

A few days ago, The Coostucky Chronicle published a completely fabricated investigation into Mitch McConnell’s mysterious disappearance, including allegations he’d somehow ended up wandering around the Oregon Country Fair looking confused, disheveled and possibly spiritually adopted by Eugene.

Again: We made that shit up.

Then Mitch returned to Washington… and started flashing peace signs at reporters. Twice.

Goddammit, Mitch. We’re trying to run a respectable fake newspaper here.

Now we’ve got questions. Did somebody check his luggage for crystals? Is there an organic granola bar in his pocket? Does Mitch suddenly own a didgeridoo? Has anyone checked whether he now answers to “Moon Turtle”?

Because nobody disappears for three months, gets falsely accused by The Coostucky Chronicle of going full Oregon hippie, then pops back up throwing ✌️ signs around Washington like he just spent three days barefoot near Eugene learning which mushrooms absolutely should not go in an omelet.

That’s not helping us.

At this point Mitch’s body may be back in Washington, but his spirit is still somewhere in Oregon sitting cross-legged on a blanket with six people named River and a guy who hasn’t worn shoes since shoes became a capitalist construct.

Give it a week. He’ll show up to the Senate in Birkenstocks carrying a reusable grocery bag full of polished rocks. By October he’ll be correcting senators about the difference between hemp and marijuana. By November he’ll be outside the Capitol selling homemade elderberry tincture and explaining that money is “just an artificial construct, man.”

And somewhere outside Eugene, a drum circle is probably wondering what happened to the quiet guy who kept flashing peace signs.

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DISCLAIMER: McConnell’s peace signs are real. His alleged Oregon hippie transformation, mushrooms, crystals, didgeridoo, Moon Turtle identity and association with six people named River are satire. Our previous Oregon Country Fair story was also satire. The Coostucky Chronicle respectfully requests that Mitch stop making our bullshit look researched.

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