BROWNSVILLE, OREGON — Our neighbors to the north appear to have officially lost their nuts.

Witnesses at Pioneer Park say two women were seen baiting squirrels into live traps, loading the cages into a vehicle, and leaving with the little fur missiles in custody.

Facebook immediately went into full emergency mode, offering up theories that included relocation, rescue, illegal trapping, soup, and whatever the hell is happening at the house of the guy who says he already has 172 squirrels.

Sir.

That is no longer a home.

That is a rodent government.

One explanation says the squirrels are being moved because otherwise the city dispatches them. Which would be simple enough, except apparently you can’t just toss squirrels in a Subaru and start redistributing them around Oregon like fuzzy exchange students.

So now Brownsville has managed to create a full-blown crisis involving traps, parks, wildlife law, public panic, and a whole bunch of squirrels hanging onto their nuts for dear life.

And just so we’re clear down here in Coos County: we are not accepting squirrel refugees.

Unless they eat tweakers.

If that’s the case, send a convoy and we’ll talk.

Until then, residents are advised to remain calm, secure loose peanuts, and watch for suspicious squirrel transport vehicles headed south.

DISCLAIMER: Satire based on a public Facebook post and comments. We do not know what ultimately happened to the squirrels or whether anyone involved was acting with authorization. The squirrel convoy, rodent government, and tweaker cleanup program are made up.