COQUILLE, OR – Security at the Coos County Courthouse is apparently running like a 1978 lawnmower with three missing wheels and nobody can find the pull cord.
A local woman recently reported encountering a nearly naked gentleman wearing what appeared to be a crocheted afghan outside the courthouse. Another fellow was stretched out nearby, apparently enjoying Coquille’s expanding sidewalk accommodations.
And the afghan enthusiast has apparently been making regular appearances.
Another courthouse visitor reported seeing him while a second gentleman across the street was engaged in a screaming argument with absolutely nobody. He was furious. His opponent was speechless. Neither appeared willing to compromise.
Meanwhile, elderly residents and women approaching the courthouse appeared genuinely frightened. One motorist, a concealed handgun license holder who had just secured his pistol in his vehicle, was concerned enough to prepare to intervene if someone was threatened.
Think about that. The guy who just followed the law and disarmed himself was wondering if he’d have to protect people because there wasn’t a deputy in sight.
Meanwhile, Coos County’s magnificent security arrangements require law-abiding citizens to leave their firearms outside. Rules are rules.
But apparently, you can stand outside wearing Grandma’s afghan while your buddy threatens to beat the living shit out of somebody who doesn’t exist.
What happens when somebody actually dangerous shows up? Somebody with a gun and a serious grudge against a judge, prosecutor, or deputy?
Are we supposed to wait for the fellow in the afghan to tackle him?
Maybe the Sheriff’s Office has a secret emergency response team hidden behind the filing cabinets. Perhaps there’s a deputy upstairs who can be summoned by ringing a bell three times.
During these reported encounters, nobody saw a uniformed officer outside. That’s a hell of a security arrangement for a building where people regularly show up angry about divorces, criminal charges, and custody disputes.
Meanwhile, Grandma just wants to drop off her ballot without getting an unexpected glimpse of a man’s plumbing swinging beneath a crocheted bedspread.
Not everybody acting strangely is dangerous. Some people genuinely need help. But when citizens are frightened just trying to enter a government building, perhaps somebody ought to wander outside and see what the hell is going on.
We’re not asking for an armored personnel carrier. A deputy occasionally looking out the front door would be a pretty impressive start.
Until then, courthouse visitors are reminded to leave their weapons in the car and avoid making eye contact with anyone currently losing an argument to an invisible opponent.
And if things really get out of hand, find the guy in the afghan.
Apparently, he’s the closest thing to a visible security presence they’ve got.
Disclaimer: The Coostucky Chronicle is a satirical publication. This article incorporates reported eyewitness experiences with humor and commentary. Specific courthouse security arrangements have not been independently verified.
