OREGON – It’s Election Day, folks. That sacred American tradition where we select our leaders from people who couldn’t organize a two-car funeral without forming a committee.

After months of political ads, yard signs, Facebook arguments, and candidates promising to fix problems their own parties helped create, it’s finally time to put up or shut up.

Democrat? Vote. Republican? Vote. Independent? Congratulations on making it this far without joining a cult.

Don’t like either candidate? Nobody said you had to marry one. Pick whoever you think will do the least damage and hope they don’t discover new ways to spend your money.

Several Oregonians say they won’t vote because the system is corrupt. Apparently the best way to fight a broken government is to stay home, scratch your balls, and let everybody else run it.

Hell, even Earl voted.

Earl hasn’t read a newspaper since 1998, thinks the Secretary of State takes meeting minutes, and spent twenty minutes looking for the ballot measure to bring back cigarette machines in taverns.

He says he voted for whoever promised cheaper beer. We’re not entirely sure which election he participated in.

And don’t forget local races. Your next mayor could be elected by six people, including two retired loggers, a woman who’s hated city hall since 1987, and some fellow trying to bring back the Pizza Hut buffet.

So dig that ballot out from under the grocery coupons, read the damn thing, and get it to an official drop box before 8 tonight.

If Earl can participate in democracy between unemployment and his upcoming career as an exotic dancer, the rest of you are running pretty damn low on excuses.

The Coostucky Chronicle endorses absolutely nobody. We wouldn’t trust half these candidates to water a plastic plant.

Follow the Coostucky Chronicle. Unlike politicians, we admit when we’re making shit up.