By Foghorn Fred, Chief Meteorologist, Coostucky Weather
Folks, I’ve been monitoring a VERY concerning situation across Coos County, and quite frankly, I’m surprised nobody else is talking about it.
DARKNESS IS EXPECTED SATURDAY NIGHT.
Possibly countywide. I’ve been tracking this since Tuesday.
After consulting six weather pages, checking my radar, and shaking my Etch A Sketch, here’s my official forecast.
FRIDAY: Around 57 degrees. Slight chance of rain. Anything outside could get wet, particularly if it rains on it.
HALLOWEEN: Around 58 degrees, dropping into the 40s after sunset. That’s nearly a 20-degree temperature swing, folks! I strongly recommend putting coats on your children. Especially the ones dressed as skeletons. They have absolutely no insulation.
SUNDAY: Around 60 degrees with possible sunshine. Something isn’t adding up. I’m investigating.
NOW, ABOUT THE SQUIRRELS.
As Oregon’s foremost squirrel expert, I’m urging squirrels to immediately waterproof their nut stashes.
Wet nuts are a serious concern. I’ve personally witnessed an agitated squirrel throw a pine cone at a Buick. People laughed then, too.
I’ll be available to inspect exposed nuts by appointment.
Speaking of cold weather, I highly recommend Big Hank’s Heating & Cooling. Hank installed my furnace last week. The house is 86 degrees, my wife can’t open the windows, and the goldfish died Tuesday. Outstanding service. Anyway, back to the emergency.
I’ll be monitoring Halloween conditions LIVE from the Coostucky Cruiser, my 1998 Ford Ranger, equipped with TWO thermometers and a freshly calibrated windshield scraper.
And to the fellow from Myrtle Point claiming Halloween gets cold every year, YOU’RE BLOCKED. I won’t tolerate attacks on independent meteorology.
I’m taking an indefinite break from social media.
UPDATE (7 minutes later): I’m back. My thermometer says 46. Exactly as predicted.
Please share this forecast before darkness reaches your neighborhood.
STAY ALERT. STAY WARM. PROTECT YOUR NUTS.
Foghorn Fred
Chief Meteorologist, Coostucky Weather
Oregon’s Foremost Squirrel Expert
Disclaimer: Foghorn Fred and Coostucky Weather are fictional satire. His meteorological qualifications and squirrel expertise remain unverified. Consult the National Weather Service for actual forecasts.
Follow the Coostucky Chronicle for more emergency reports from southwestern Oregon’s self-appointed experts.
