COQUILLE, OR – The new Coquille Sobering Center has barely opened, and officials are already looking ahead to what could become the county’s first all-inclusive resort for people who can’t remember how they got there.
The original plan was simple. Bring drunk people in, sober them up, and send them home. Unfortunately, this is Coos County, where a simple idea can turn into a $4 million project with three committees, six directors, and a ribbon-cutting ceremony every time somebody buys a refrigerator.
Over in Roseburg, one individual reportedly managed 36 visits to their sobering center. Coos County officials are said to be impressed by that kind of customer loyalty and are already discussing a punch card.
By January, complimentary breakfast is expected after administrators discover drunk people wake up hungry. Lunch follows in March, dinner by June, and a frequent flyer program by September. Ten visits earn a bathrobe, twenty get a private room, and fifty they’ll name a wing after you. At 100 visits, you’re eligible for a seat on the board of directors.
Plans for 2028 include a heated swimming pool, laundry service, complimentary evening shuttles from Coos Bay, North Bend, and Bandon, and a concierge who can help guests locate their missing shoes, wallet, and dignity. Passengers must blow at least a .08 before boarding. Anyone sober will be asked to wait for the next bus.
Concerned Coquille residents have questioned whether the facility might eventually become a homeless shelter.
Officials strongly deny the allegations, explaining that homeless shelters don’t typically offer turn-down service and chocolates on the pillows.
A proposed swim-up bar was rejected after somebody realized it would eliminate the need for repeat customers.
Meanwhile, county officials are reportedly preparing a $750,000 grant application to study why people keep coming back.
Early findings suggest it’s the free shit.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. The Coquille Sobering Center is a real facility operated by Adapt Integrated Health Care. The Roseburg repeat-admission figure is based on reported county meeting minutes. All statements attributed to officials, proposed expansions, amenities, transportation services, and grant applications are fictional.
For more questionable developments, suspiciously expensive solutions, and the latest from Southwest Oregon’s finest collection of government committees, follow the Coostucky Chronicle. We keep an eye on the circus so you don’t have to buy a ticket.
