FLORENCE, OR – Fifty-six years after the State of Oregon attempted to dispose of a dead whale with half a ton of dynamite, Florence is preparing to celebrate one of the finest examples of government employees being left unsupervised.
In November 1970, highway officials decided the best way to remove eight tons of rotting whale was to blow the son of a bitch into approximately 40,000 pieces.
The operation was a tremendous success, provided the objective was to rain rotten whale meat across the countryside, demolish an Oldsmobile, and leave most of the damn whale right where it started.
Now Florence is throwing a party.
The November 14-15 celebration will feature music, historical presentations, and a tribute to the men who proved you don’t have to be particularly bright to get a government job.
According to sources who probably shouldn’t be trusted, organizers are also planning a parade featuring a marching band playing Free Willy, floats covered in whale intestines, and volunteers throwing chunks of blubber instead of candy.
Children are encouraged to bring buckets. Parents should bring shovels.
Other festivities reportedly include a whale-gut tossing contest, a Miss Exploding Whale beauty pageant, and a historical reenactment featuring eight highway employees standing around a dead whale scratching their asses while somebody lights the fuse.
The parade’s grand marshal will ride in a convertible Oldsmobile with a 300-pound chunk of simulated blubber strapped to the hood.
ODOT has reportedly declined to participate after learning organizers wanted them to handle cleanup.
One disappointed resident questioned why another whale wasn’t being detonated.
“Hell, what’s the point? We’ve got enough parades where nobody gets hit with anything.”
A moment of silence is planned for the Oldsmobile, followed by a 21-fart salute from the local brass section.
The exploding whale remains an important piece of Oregon history, proving that when government officials put their heads together, there’s apparently nothing they can’t make considerably worse.
Disclaimer: The 1970 exploding whale disaster and Florence’s anniversary celebration are real. The parade, blubber throwing, contests, quotes, and other festivities described here are Coostucky satire. No whales were harmed in the writing of this article. They’ve suffered enough.
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