SALEM, OR – Following Tina Kotek’s reelection, the governor’s office has decided to quit screwing around and officially rename Oregon Portlagon.
The name combines Portland and Oregon, since the other 35 counties apparently exist mainly to provide timber, tax revenue, and somewhere for Portlanders to go camping.
“Frankly, we’re tired of pretending the rest of the state has a say,” explained an administration official wearing a bicycle helmet inside the Capitol.
Salem will remain the capital, although it’s basically just Portland’s satellite office with a bigger parking lot.
Under the new arrangement:
Eastern Oregon becomes Greater Idaho’s waiting room. Residents are encouraged to keep their trucks running.
Southern Oregon becomes a protected historical district where people can still own chainsaws, heat their homes with firewood, and shoot dinner.
The Oregon Coast becomes Portland’s official weekend playground. Locals will be required to tolerate tourists asking where they can get gluten-free clam chowder.
Bend remains a wealthy ski resort where a two-bedroom shack costs more than a private island.
Eugene takes over the Department of Interpretive Dance. All new laws must be approved by a barefoot guy named Cedar.
Coos County goes on a state watchlist after officials discover people are still burning slash piles and eating cheeseburgers.
The Oregon flag will be replaced with a reusable grocery bag, and the state beaver will be required to obtain a permit before chewing down another tree.
Republicans immediately announced plans to move to Idaho, prompting Idaho officials to lock the gates and turn off the porch lights.
Portland celebrated with a naked bicycle parade, a drum circle, and a man selling organic pickles for $14 apiece.
Rural residents concerned about the changes can file a complaint with the governor’s office, where a state employee will carefully print it out and feed it into a shredder.
The transition should be completed by 2030, provided the state can find somebody to repaint the welcome signs for under $400 million.
Welcome to Portlagon. Portland makes the rules, Salem signs the checks, and everybody else gets the bill.
Coostucky Chronicle Satire – This entire article is fictional political parody. Oregon is not being renamed, and Governor Kotek’s administration has announced no such plan. All statements, quotes, policies, and events described are invented for humor.
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