COOS COUNTY, OR – There’s a certain breed of jackass roaming Coos County who can’t buy a gallon of milk without making sure everybody knows he’s armed.
Nothing wrong with open carry. Plenty of responsible gun owners do it every day without making a damn production out of it.
But then there’s Tactical Terry.
Terry doesn’t just carry a gun. Terry presents it.
He walks into the grocery store with his elbow cocked out like he’s carrying a watermelon under his arm. Pistol polished, holster positioned just right, waiting for somebody to notice.
And when somebody finally does?
He gives them that little nod. Almost a wink. Like they just discovered he’s an undercover Navy SEAL assigned to protect the hamburger buns.
The whole performance is straight out of The Andy Griffith Show. Terry’s Barney Fife, strutting around like he’s personally responsible for law and order in Mayberry. At least Andy had the good sense to make Barney carry his one bullet in his shirt pocket. Hopefully Terry does the same.
Congratulations, Terry. We saw your gun. Can we buy our fucking groceries now?
He’ll turn sideways at the checkout, adjust his belt three times, and pose like he’s auditioning for the cover of Deputy Sheriff Monthly.
Meanwhile, the old man behind him in dirty jeans and a shirt from 1987 might be legally carrying concealed. Nobody knows. Nobody cares. He’s buying Preparation H and a rotisserie chicken.
A firearm is a tool, not a personality.
You don’t see electricians wandering through Walmart with cordless drills strapped to their thighs, or plumbers winking at strangers because somebody noticed the pipe wrench hanging off their ass.
But Terry’s one tactical vest away from deputizing himself at the bottle return.
Carry openly. Carry concealed. Carry legally. Just quit acting like the Second Amendment requires everybody to admire your equipment.
The Coostucky Chronicle wants to know: Have you met Tactical Terry, or is he currently standing sideways in front of you at the checkout?
Disclaimer: This is satire. We support lawful gun ownership and responsible carry. We also support laughing at jackasses who think a holster qualifies as a personality.
