COOS COUNTY, OR – Rain has returned to the Oregon Coast, and local residents are once again proving they’d rather develop pneumonia than be caught walking around holding a little tent on a stick.
Umbrellas are practically nonexistent around here. Locals prefer to get absolutely piss-soaked and then complain about being wet for the next six hours.
“I ain’t made of sugar,” explained a Myrtle Point man standing outside McKay’s while rainwater ran down the crack of his ass. “Little water never hurt nobody.”
He later spent 45 minutes sitting in his pickup with the heater cranked to 90, trying to steam his underwear dry. His windshield fogged up so badly he had to drive home with his head out the window.
In Coos Bay, a 67-year-old woman was offered an umbrella by a concerned visitor. She informed the woman she’d survived 67 Oregon winters without one and wasn’t about to start looking like some fancy asshole from Portland.
She then covered her head with a grocery sack, stepped off the curb, and disappeared into a pothole full of water.
North Bend residents aren’t much better. One man reportedly owns nine rain jackets but refuses to wear any of them because he’s “just running into the store.”
He was last seen standing in the checkout line with water dripping from his pants and a wet receipt stuck to his forehead.
Experts believe this behavior is hereditary. Generations of coastal residents have apparently developed a genetic inability to acknowledge precipitation, even while standing ankle-deep in it.
One local man claims he hasn’t owned an umbrella since 1978, although he does keep a garbage bag behind the seat of his truck in case he needs to cover something important.
Like his beer.
At press time, a 74-year-old Coquille man had been standing outside in a torrential downpour for nearly an hour, refusing to go inside because he’d already told his wife it wasn’t raining that hard.
His wife has since locked the door.
Disclaimer: Coostucky Chronicle is satire. The rain is real, and apparently so is the stubbornness.
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