OREGON COAST – Oregon’s December crab season is reportedly in jeopardy after ODFW biologists discovered widespread depression among Dungeness crabs, prompting Salem advocates to demand the season be postponed until somebody figures out why the miserable little bastards are so unhappy.
Researchers first became concerned after noticing crabs walking sideways, avoiding eye contact, and showing absolutely no enthusiasm about being boiled alive.
One crab near Charleston was found sitting beneath a dock staring at an empty beer can. Another in Newport reportedly pinched a social worker who asked about his childhood.
Salem immediately requested $4.7 million for an emergency task force consisting of marine biologists, licensed therapists, a Portland yoga instructor, and a woman who communicates with shellfish through interpretive dance.
“They’ve been pissed off since God invented them,” said one Newport fisherman. “You ever met a happy crab? Hell, they’re armed with two pairs of pliers.”
Officials are considering underwater counseling stations, emotional support starfish, and renaming crab pots “temporary wellness enclosures.” Fishermen may also be required to obtain written consent before hauling anything aboard.
Researchers suspect the depression could be linked to climate change, ocean conditions, or spending their entire lives crawling around the bottom of the Pacific eating dead shit.
ODFW says the December 1 opening could remain on hold until the cause is identified.
The crabs have reportedly demanded antidepressants, affordable housing, and an end to being served with melted butter.
Disclaimer: Coostucky Chronicle satire. No actual crab depression investigation or related season closure has been announced. Check ODFW for real regulations.
Know somebody who’s been crabby lately? Send them this. Salem might have a program for them.
