CAVE JUNCTION, OR — A 37-year-old man allegedly robbed a Shop Smart grocery store Sunday with a hatchet, made off with over $1,000 in merchandise, and attempted to escape the Josephine County Sheriff’s Office on a bicycle.

The Coostucky Chronicle is investigating whether the suspect is actually Tiny Bunyan, Paul Bunyan’s lesser-known tweaker cousin, who apparently inherited the family hatchet but not the common sense.

Paul Bunyan could clear an entire forest before breakfast. Tiny couldn’t clear Cave Junction on a bicycle.

Paul had Babe the Blue Ox. Tiny had a ten-speed and a rapidly deteriorating escape plan.

According to deputies, the suspect was spotted pedaling along Highway 199 before attempting to get around a patrol car and striking its front bumper.

It’s unclear whether he intended to ram the police vehicle or simply underestimated the structural differences between a bicycle and a Ford.

For generations, the Bunyan family has been celebrated for its strength, legendary logging accomplishments, and ability to handle an axe.

Tiny is the first known member to bring one grocery shopping.

The suspect was arrested and faces multiple charges, including first-degree robbery.

Authorities have not confirmed any connection to the Bunyan family, although relatives reportedly issued a brief statement:

“We don’t know him. Ask his mother’s side.”

DISCLAIMER: The robbery and arrest are real. Tiny Bunyan, the family connections, and references to drug use are fictional satire. No drug use by the suspect has been established.

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