MYRTLE POINT, OR – Inspired by Myrtle Point’s famous Potato House, retired school lunch lady Darlene Pritchard has decided to get in on the Halloween action. Except Darlene isn’t handing out raw potatoes. She’s cooking the damn things.
After 34 years of feeding schoolchildren food that technically qualified as edible, Darlene has dusted off her hairnet, fired up three crockpots, and announced she’ll be serving mashed potatoes, tater tots, and her famous potato salad to trick-or-treaters.
“I ain’t spending $80 on candy when I’ve got 200 pounds of potatoes in the garage.”
Children will be required to line up single file, hold out their candy buckets, and wait while Darlene slaps in a steaming scoop of mashed potatoes. Gravy is mandatory. Refusing it will result in a phone call home.
Tater tots will be distributed six at a time using the same greasy metal tongs she used in 1987. Anyone asking for more will be reminded that children in Africa are starving.
Then there’s Darlene’s famous potato salad, a recipe so legendary the school district once had to replace an entire wing of bathroom plumbing.
“It’s been sitting in the garage fridge since Thursday. It’ll be fine.”
Darlene has also warned that any child caught cutting in line, running, or complaining about the food will be forced to sit at a folding table on her lawn until they finish their serving.
Parents are already preparing for the possibility of their children returning home with pillowcases full of mashed potatoes, loose tater tots, and a half-pound of mayonnaise slowly soaking through the bottom.
Darlene says she’s looking forward to Halloween.
“I miss feeding the little shits. Especially the ones that cried.”
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Darlene isn’t real. Myrtle Point’s Potato House had nothing to do with this cafeteria nightmare.
Follow the Coostucky Chronicle for more local nonsense that probably violates several health codes.
