ROSEBURG, OR – A 24-year-old man is raising hell about today’s job market after applying for 80 jobs, attending 17 interviews, and receiving absolutely nothing but rejection and a complimentary mint from a bank.
Tyler Jenkins says he’s hardworking, dependable, and has even started wearing a shirt with buttons to interviews. “It’s bullshit. Everybody keeps saying nobody wants to work. Well, here I am, ready to work, and nobody will give me a chance!”
Jenkins has applied at restaurants, banks, construction companies, grocery stores, and even a funeral home. “The funeral home guy just stared at me for five minutes. Said he’d call. That was three months ago. Maybe he died or something.”
One restaurant manager offered Jenkins a dishwashing position before suddenly changing his mind. “Said I wasn’t a good fit for the kitchen. The KITCHEN! Who the hell am I supposed to impress back there, the mashed potatoes?”
Jenkins also believes employers are unfairly holding his criminal record against him. “Yeah, I’m a felon. But that was like five years ago. How long are people supposed to remember shit?”
Transportation has also become an issue, as Jenkins currently doesn’t have a driver’s license. “Everywhere I apply, they ask if I have reliable transportation. What the hell does that have to do with anything? My mom has a car.”
At a bank interview, Jenkins was asked where he saw himself in five years. “Hopefully working somewhere, you jackass.” Security escorted him out shortly afterward.
His grandmother suggested he march into businesses, shake the manager’s hand, and demand a job like they did in 1958. “Tried that at Walmart. They threatened to call the cops.”
Jenkins says he’s running out of options and may have to go home and smoke a joint just to settle his nerves. “It’s stressful being unemployed. People don’t understand how much work goes into not having a job.”
Despite his troubles, Jenkins insists he’s an excellent employee. “I’ve never been late, never called in sick, and never been fired.” When asked where he’d previously worked, Jenkins admitted he’s never actually had a job.
Disclaimer: This is satire. Tyler Jenkins is fictional, and no actual Roseburg employers were involved. His inability to recognize the source of his employment difficulties remains one of the great unsolved mysteries of modern civilization.
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