COQUILLE, OR – Well, congratulations, Uncle Gabe. Another four years as Coos County Sheriff. The voters have spoken, the election is over, and now that you’ve got a little job security, we need to discuss the condition of your property.
Because good Lord, Gabe. What the hell is going on outside the jail?
A photo circulating on Facebook shows a pile of belongings outside the Coos County Jail, right next to the sheriff’s office, looking like somebody cleaned out a storage unit, held a yard sale, got arrested halfway through, and left everything for the county to sort out.
Gabe, you’ve got deputies, patrol cars, a jail full of people, and enough county equipment to invade Douglas County. Surely somebody can figure out what’s happening outside the big house.
Or does it take another levy to clean the porch?
We’d suggest asking the county commissioners, but good luck with that. One would probably turn sweeping into a constitutional uprising, another would want to compost the broom, and the third would give the whole proposal the middle finger.
By the time those three agreed on anything, the pile would have its own ZIP code, two parking violations, and a seat on the Coquille City Council.
Naturally, taxpayers would be asked to approve a five-year porch maintenance levy.
Broom sold separately.
Now, we’re not blaming whoever owns that stuff. But surely somebody can handle it without three public hearings and another county committee.
Most politicians get a honeymoon period after reelection. Gabe hadn’t even popped the champagne before somebody was complaining about his housekeeping.
Four more years, Uncle Gabe. Surely that’s enough time to find a broom.
Congratulations on the win. Now get that porch straightened up before the commissioners schedule another meeting to accomplish absolutely nothing.
And we’ll probably need to discuss the inside of the big house another day. Judging by the porch, we’re almost afraid to open the refrigerator.
Disclaimer: This is satire. The circumstances surrounding the belongings pictured outside the Coos County Jail have not been independently verified.
Follow the Coostucky Chronicle – because apparently somebody has to supervise the supervisors.
