Grandparents have had about enough of this Kinslee, Brynleigh, Tensley, Braxtyn bullshit and want to know what the hell happened to naming children after people instead of subdivisions and expensive shampoo.
There was a time when boys were named Elmer, Cecil, Walter, Floyd, or Zeke. Girls were Wilma, Gladys, Ruth, or Gertrude. Good, respectable names you could yell across forty acres without having to spell them afterward.
Now we’ve got Oaklynn, Paisleigh, Wrenleigh, and Jaxxyn, along with some poor little fellow named Brexleigh who sounds like he should come with a prescription and a warning about liver damage.
“Whatever happened to Mildred?” demanded 87-year-old Gertrude Miller. “Or Agnes? Hell, name the little shit Bertha. At least Bertha knows how to make gravy.”
Her husband Cecil recently met his great-grandson Braxtyn and asked whether he was named after a tractor attachment.
“My granddad was Ezekiel. Everybody called him Zeke. Worked sixty years, raised nine kids, and never needed an X in his name. Now my grandson’s named Ryker. Sounds like a damn prison.”
One grandmother spent three hours spelling Brynzleigh on a Christmas card before writing “To Whichever One You Are.” Another has been calling her granddaughter Oak Flooring since Easter.
Parents insist these names are unique, despite every kindergarten having seventeen Kinslees, three Oaklynns, and enough Braxtyns to start a landscaping company.
One teacher reportedly suffered a nervous breakdown taking attendance.
“Jaxon?” “Here.”
“Jaxson?” “Here.”
“Jaxxon?” “Here.”
“Jaxxyn?” “HE’S IN THE BATHROOM!”
The remaining Elmers, Wilburs, Eunices, and Mildreds are demanding Congress intervene before somebody names another baby Kynzleigh-Mae and spells Mae with a fucking Q.
Cecil’s volunteered to testify. Wilma’s making sandwiches. Gertrude’s bringing her shotgun.
And 92-year-old Elmer says if somebody names another kid Braxtynleigh, he’s calling every child he meets Harold.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. No grandparents were consulted, although most would probably agree. The children are innocent. Their parents should have their Scrabble privileges revoked.
SPONSORED BY COAST INTEL
Coast Intel covers actual South Coast news while we investigate why perfectly good names like Elmer and Wilma have been replaced by things nobody can spell.
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